Because sometimes you get shot down. Other times you are redirected to fine tune. And other times you are ravishingly successful to the point that surprises even yourself. Over the past couple of weeks I have been met with my own ledge. One in which I was overwhelmingly nervous about approaching : my writing. Writing has never been a strong suit. It has never been a point of pride. In fact it has been a point of insecurity for quite some time. I recognize, unlike some, that though I can have a digital medium by which to express myself, it doesn't make me, nor credit me as a writer. No matter how many people read it. I can remember back to 11th grade when I was in a British Literature class (which was an AP English class) in which I had a HUGE paper that was due. Through multiple revisions (all of which were highly favored and approved of) and teacher reviews the final draft was turned in. The result. 30%. That's a LOW F. It's almost like it's not an F anymore. It's some kind of uber-failure. When I had the chance to question my teacher about it, she said it was too late for anything to be done and I had to take it. Ouch. I can honestly say that I never recovered. Every time a paper was submitted, I had a lingered doubt that I was going to look down and get another 30%.

This week I walked through very similar territory. I had the opportunity to submit some writing to a very respected magazine, by which I would publish digital content for their website. I responded to a call for contributors and on a rather slow afternoon, I took a chance and responded. They responded and asked for ideas. I responded and submitted some. They responded and liked them. I responded and drafted. They responded and like them, giving recommendations for further steps. I responded with said steps and recommendations. They responded and by editoral decisions, I was bumped out of the running since they were going a different direction. Ouch. It's like a 30% all over again. I did have some solace, "We like your ideas and believe that we can cultivate some great pieces from you." Not all is lost. My wife finds the positive in everything. When all I see is a failed opportunity and a kick in my literary gonads, she sees the "WHOLE" (of which I didn't post) response to my material and finds that I am still being looked to for additional contributions. I love her.

I was reading in a book today (one of which will be reviewed shortly) "True courage is not hte abscense of fear. It is refusing to allow fear to control your actions." If anything has been proven by my life, it's that I have a way of not taking no for an answer. It seems like when someone says that something isn't possible, that I kick myself in gear and prove to them that it is. If this wasn't a risk, would it have been worth taking? If being a Christian was easy, would I have any part in it? If I wasn't continually expanding myself then would I really be going anywhere? If I didn't get nervous everytime I used by voice (whether in speech or text), would I really have anything valuable to say? I'm in a space of transition. I am growing. I am learning. Here's to being surrounded by peers by local and afar, highly experienced and not, that feel the same.
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Now playing: Sigur Rós - Svefn-g-englar [Sleepwalkers]